Life after work

The end of the year can be a time of finality, winding down, and summing up. It can also be a time of new beginnings, of jumping off into the exciting unknown. About 5.7 million people in the USA will do just that this year. They will give up what they have been doing, turn a corner and start doing something entirely different. They will retire. Sound exciting? Let me tell you, it ain’t bad. I never have heard anybody say, “It was awful. I was miserable, and I just missed working every day at that same old job, so I begged them to take me back.” I know one person who I think really felt that way, but he is in therapy now. So as a veteran retiree of almost 10 years, let me welcome all the newbies out there to the fold. Congratulations! You have achieved exactly what the government had planned for you to do when you turned 16 and started working at the Dairy Queen or Roper for $1.75 an hour, unless you were a farm worker and only got $1.60. Either way, the United States of America is now proud of you and awards you “Social Security Retired Status”. Wait a minute Uncle Sam, you aren’t awarding me nothing, you are just returning a very small pittance of what I have been hitting the floor for and forking over to you for the last 50-something years. OK, well, hold on there, don’t get too militant. On behalf of the CCA (coupon-clippers of America) and the JBPHR (Jimmy Buffet Parrot Head Retirees), here are some of the real benefits of retirement. For your whole life you have had to worry about things like the clothes you wore and how you looked. No more! Now everyday you can wear that same old worn-out pair of off-brand “relaxed fit” jeans along with those six-year-old Skechers that the dog thinks are a chew toy and your favorite, faded flannel shirt that should have been burned seven years ago. You can go anywhere you want in that stylishly comfortable ensemble, and when the day is over, you just stand it up over there in the corner, and it’s good for at least three more days. Next, there has to be some serious planning about how you spend your day. For years, you have lived as a slave to the clock. No more! From now on, there is no schedule, except to have your second cup of coffee no later than 9:30 while the rest of the world scrambles. Beyond that, the only thing you are required to do is to take a nap whenever you feel any sort of stress coming on. Oh yes, stress is still a thing even in retirement. Thankfully though, real stress hardly ever occurs and when it happens, it usually comes from the same people who ”awarded you”. I contend that the Social Security Administration (SSA) does not really want to be your friend and would rather not talk to you and prefers keeping all that money for themselves. Now I have no proof of that, but I do know they change their phone number and website more often than you change those “relaxed fit” jeans. Now, the AARP (Association for the Annihilation of Retired Parrotheads) will be wanting you to join their little group soon. They claim to be looking out for us, but I leave that decision up to you. I will just say from what I hear they are mostly made up of people like that therapy patient I told you about who just couldn’t live without working. And by the way, they didn’t take him back, and his therapist recently retired. It just goes to show you. Just remember, naps keep stress away. Happy Retirement!

‘);