Lost, in translation

I think the talking heads have already said about all that can be said on the subject of this election to replace Mr. Joe Biden. However, before we move on, I just have one last thing. This comment concerns a situation that is not quite as bad as it used to be, but if you listen carefully, you can still pick it up. They won’t come right out and say it, but it’s still out there. Sadly, it was especially evident during this political season, and with all the pontification and “brilliance” of the network news stars on display, you could see it plain as day.

If you were raised in the South, you are naturally considered by the folks in the rest of the country and on TV and internet and everywhere else to be just a tiny bit slower. You know it, and I know it. They try to hide it as just a cute affectation, “oh yes, bless your little hearts, you talk slower, move slower and of course, you think a little slower”. Now in a few isolated cases, we all know that might be true, but during the closing days of the election, when those “academics” on The View and Good Morning America and MSNBC really turned up the volume on the heavy breathing and the spitting and sputtering, us Southerners got subtly accused of having too much religion, too little education and too much gun ownership. We just aren’t equipped well enough on the IQ chart to understand all this complicated stuff! Personally, I am sure this characterization is all just a big misunderstanding. Most likely it’s not that “they” consider us underdeveloped, “they” just don’t have time to slow down and listen carefully to how we speak or understand how our internal clock ticks. Also, I believe there is some serious paranoia at work here, and they are worried that down here we all communicate in some sort of secret, sinister language that we learned right after the Doctor slapped us and announced, “It’s a big, fine bouwee, or it’s a purty ‘lil gull”. Now, surely we can easily clear this up. My suggestion would be to establish a center for discussion of this cultural phenomenon. We could have a few “retreats” down here for the purpose of educating our sophisticated and much more educated brethren and sisteren on life in the South. In order to fully immerse them in the true South, we definitely need to have it in late August when the gnats, mosquitos and ticks are having their homecoming celebrations and world-wide convention right outside the sand dunes off of Highway 80. Maybe we could rent one of those great big revival tents or maybe just find us an old church with no screens on the windows. But before all of that, we could invite some of those network eggheads, sorry, I mean exceptional people, to come down to Nadine’s Diner and have a dialogue with some of our local folks to foster better understanding. “Now, Mr. George Stephanopoulos, did you have a question for one of our Southern hosts?”

“Yes I do. Sir, can you say you are satisfied, indifferent or disenchanted with your understanding of national politics?”

“ Son, I can say I’m happier than a dead hog in the sunshine. Know what I mean?”

“No, not really. Well, ma’am how about you, are you comfortable with politics today ?”

‘);

“Oh my goodness, I would say not much more than last night’s okra. Have you eaten?”

“Well, let me ask this gentleman here an important, “Sir, do you think people in the South are educationally disadvantaged?”

“Well sir, people up north pay us four dollars and fifty cents for a bale of pine straw we used to burn to get rid of and a dollar for a bottle for water coming right up out of the ground. “What do you think, Mr. Hefagumpalas?”

“Now, Nadine, before we go, did you have a question for me?”

“No sir, Mr. Stephasomething, I just need to know if ya’ll wanted maters and sweet tea with your okra?” Obviously, language barriers still exist. Some things take longer to change. In the meantime, look for the latest release at Barnes & Noble: Living Southern in an English Speaking Country.